Ludicrous
Appreciation for the Tesla P100D lives on…
If you’re not a fan of math, you might want to skip buying a Tesla.
I say that because at the moment I’m test driving Tesla’s flagship sedan on Florida’s famed Alligator Alley and sweating it out over subtraction.
I know I began the day with 316 miles worth of range on this brand new Tesla P100D that I’ve been given by the kind folks at Tesla. The high-gloss blue bullet you see on these pages is beautifully built from top to bottom — a stunning work of art and science. But don’t ask me how it works (I was an English major). Suffice to say that the floor of the car is made up of batteries, which power two electric motors (one in the front, one in the rear) that make this thing go.
And when I say go: This particular car (optioned to the tune of $150,420 — though the base model starts at just $68,000) is capable of doing 0-60 in an eye-watering 2.6 seconds. All the while seating seven comfortably. Seven! Even more shocking, the reason this car is thatslow is because it hasn’t yet received an over-the-air software update, which makes the car even faster. Motor Trendjust clocked their newly-updated top-level Model S at 2.28 seconds, making it the fastest production car to that speed it’s ever tested.
FYI, I may have tested the aforementioned acceleration a few times already today — you know, for the story. You just tap the infamous ‘Ludicrous” mode and then pray. I should note that I attempted to video each of these launches, but my passenger/camera person shrieked like a wounded loon and dropped the camera each and every time. So while the car may be deadly silent, passengers won’t be. Of course, all that speed means nothing when your looking for parking at Whole Foods.
Nevertheless, when staring out into the abyss that is a roadway rammed through the Everglades, you can’t help but nervously glance down at the mammoth 17-inch touch screen command center. Currently it’s displaying the route to my destination (The Ritz-Carlton, South Beach — thank you very much). The screen is telling me how much battery juice I have left in miles; and how much I can expect to have left over when I get there. The problem is they’re not adding up. It’s now saying I should have 40 miles of power left when I hand my Model S-shaped fob to the valet, but about 15 minutes ago it was telling me I could expect to pull in with 50 miles of juice left. And every minute I keep driving, I’m losing part of my planned reserve. Hence me constantly doing the math — and sweating. At this rate, I’m starting to stress I might not actually make it.
That’s the fear people like me have when they put thought into buying a Tesla. It’s called “range anxiety.” And for people who like to drive distances, it’s a real thing. Gas stations are easy to find — strangers willing to let you plug into their dryer outlets, not so much.
Luckily for me, there’s a Tesla supercharger station a few miles ahead where I can plug in and add a few watts (up to 170 miles worth for 30 minutes of charging), but for the sake of this story, I think I’ll chance it. Nothing makes good editorial copy like disaster.
Oh wait just a second, now the car is telling me that if I slow to less than 70 mph, I should make it to The Ritz with five percent remaining on the batteries. That’s comforting. But who does less than 70 m.p.h. on a road famous for gators?
I should probably say that when I picked the car up from a new Tesla store in Naples, Fla., the very helpful staff walked me through every bit of what makes this car awesome: the automatic keyless entry, the front trunk (no engine!), the smart air suspension that learns where speed bumps and driveway dips are in your neighborhood and adjusts automatically before getting to them, the split screen feature that allows you to control various aspects of the vehicle and still surf the web, etc. (Videos cannot be played on the screen for safety reasons.)
They were thorough. In fact, it took two hours. (Conversely, when I pick up a car at Hertz they don’t even show me where it’s located in the parking lot.) And I needed every minute of that time because I’ve already forgotten how to get The Ides of March off of the radio station. Seriously, how many times can someone listen to Vehiclewithout feeling like Child Protective Services are working up a file on you?
Regardless, there is a wonderful feeling of superiority that washes over you when you drive past gas station after gas station. They already look dirty to me. They’re hardcore reminders of the 20th century, but this car feels like the future. And the valet at The Ritz is fully prepared. He’s taking my gleaming ride straight to the hotel’s Tesla chargers inside the parking garage, which have been decked out in potted palm trees. In the meantime, I think I’ll just head up to the hotel’s Club Lounge and check on my car with my iPhone app.
And, in case you’re wondering, I got all the way here with 35 miles of range remaining. I was worried for nothing. I just might need to buy this car.